Like every good thing, our babymoon as come to an end. Today, Pumpkin is 6 weeks old. I have a hard time beleiving that six weeks has passed since my little love's arrival. 6 weeks of kisses, babywearing, rocking chairs, and having an angel fall asleep in my arms day and night. It has been bliss.
I cannot even begin to say how grateful I am that we were lucky enough to have this little boy sent to us. He is a blessing to me and our entire family. They say that our kids have much to teach us, and I can say that this has proven to be true for us. My first born son has taught us patience and tolerance! But this one, has something to teach us about patience, and spirituality for sure. I am sure he is somehow still connected to heaven, and he is sure teaching us about reverence and gratitude.
This morning was a hectic one. But yet, he managed to fall asleep in the crook of my arm while I was rocking him, eventhough both Pea and Peanut were running around and making an aweful lot of noise. He fell asleep calmly and peacefully, I saw both his eyes just close between 2 smiles. And that moment made me cry. I stared at him for the longest time, just still amazed at his presence and the serenity he made me feel looking at him. I wish I could have stopped time, RIGHT THEN, for the longest time.
If only we knew all that we know after 3 kids when our first born arrives. THis moment was a blessing, one that we often miss in the turmoil of the day. And if I had not taken the time to just observe it, I would have completely missed it. No fret, there will be other moments like that, I remember thinking when I had my firstborn. And yet, now after 3 kids, I understand that no, there is not all THAT much other moments like that and that they should not be missed, because otherwise they are just lost forever.
And right after this moment, we all went outside. While I was attending to Pumkin, I turned around to see Peanut riding her bike up to the street, put her helmet on, snap it, and off she was. All of this, all by herself...and yet, I feel like it was yesterday that she was in that pram, all tiny and helpless. It made me realize how times just goes too fast, and all of thoses moments that I spent with the other 2 are now a distant memory, and they will, sadly, become the same thing with him sooner then later.
If you don't want your life to pass you by, you have to take the time to look. You have to take the time to stop. This time with my last son is for me really important. And I will miss it very much. It saddens me to think that I will vaguely remember this time, but not with the clarity that I wish. Many of the thing that were our life a few weeks ago are now just a memory, things that I again, tought I would remember! (Nipple pain anyone?)
Yesterday, ironically, I finished reading Mittens string for God, a book that I adored. And it made me understand that I am not the only one to live through all the changes without seing them. We only realize that something have changed once we look back, once it is too late if we didn't stop to savor whatever life brings us: "I suddenly realize how much that I cherished has slipped away even as I tried to give it voice, only to be replaced by new ways of doing and being." We have no power on time, and the fact that it makes us moves on. But we do have the power to enjoy and cherish the present moment. It is hard sometimes do remember that when we are in the heat of the moment, but we have to, otherwise, moments like the one I lived this morning, and that makes it all worthwhile just vanished without even being noticed.
If this post has a sad tone to it, maybe it is because that is the way I feel. I am mourning the fact that I will never get a chance to meet a new tny little being that is the addition of myself and the man I love. I will never get the chance to smell the sweet smell of my newborn baby, to have the chance to witness the first minutes of life of a little being, these minutes that have amazed me every time. I will miss that time, a time that has taught me over the years that the best thing that I made are my kids and that my true purpose is to take care of them. This is what I do best.
And I am scared. Once they are all grown, once they don't need me anymore, what will life hold on for me? What is left in store for us mothers when our kids are gone?
WHile I am writing this, he is deep asleep right beside me. I can see in his face the trait of the little man that I meet for the first time 6 weeks ago. But I also see new features (like a 2nd chin... ) that tells me time is acting again, and that I must savor every single moments that I have left with him as a baby. Off to do just that.